I’m hunkered down in a hotel room in Lethbridge this morning. My children are tired and cranky and I’m feeling about the same. The buzz of being mistaken for comedian Will Sasso (this is probably the only minor celebrity look-a-like I’ll ever be mistaken for) has worn off.
I’m trying to compose myself for the day – knowing that it only holds stress and conflict. In my quiet moments I’m getting nostalgic and read some blogs from people in my past. Not hard core trolling but just checking it out. Pastors I’ve worked with, friends who have moved into other things in life… That kind of stuff.
Oh…one qualifier…these guys (and they happen to be all guys) are also constantly moving around. New jobs, new locations, new stuff.
I was struck while reading their posts how often the text – whether it be devotionals, sermon texts, updates about life in general – took a decidedly arrogant turn. They never proclaimed, “I’m king of the world” but much more subtly in their word choices, sub-text and phrases you catch a passive self-aggrandizement filtering in. What starts out as self-effacing or neutral statements become comments about how they are right (or their viewpoints are correct). There is a feigned humility in their retelling of life situations – of which the story conclusions always end up with them at the climax of correctness. I’ve never really noticed this before. Knowing these guys, it is completely consistent with their character though.
I’m thinking though – am I arrogant and lazy in my writing? Do I come off as personally arrogant? Am I truly arrogant? I know that I have opinions on many different topics, and that I’m not opposed to expressing my thoughts creatively or passionately but I think (hope) that there is a way to do this that doesn’t cross into arrogance. I hope that I’m not an arrogant writer/person – which seems like a terrible character flaw; I’d rather just be a lazy writer/communicator who comes across as arrogant because I’m not working hard enough to express myself constructively and hospitably.
I don’t want to be a dude that blames others – whether they be individuals or organizations or systems – for my character flaws. If I am an arrogant, self-centered prick who needs to be right (and I hope I’m not) than I’d rather just own up to that instead of blaming the communities i’ve been apart of, the employers I’ve left, the organizations that haven’t jived with me or the people who’ve rubbed me the wrong way.
Okay – I gonna re-read my posts with my arrogance filter and see what I get. I’m not giving up on my assholeness quite yet. I sense that there is some difference between assholedome and arrogance that I haven’t quite figured out yet. But maybe the difference is that I’ve been too lazy in my description of what I mean by asshole?